Every blog has at least one top ten reasons or top 20 reasons or top whatever reasons list, so I figured my blog should have one, too. So this is my list. It’s probably the silliest list you can find. If you found this list in the murky sea called the internet, hi from the other side! Have a satirical cookie! They’re free and they really are chocolate chip, not raisins.
Ahem, and here we go.
Lily’s Top 20 Reasons to Become a Published Author of Fiction
Written in both Canadian and American English for everyone’s reading pleasure.
#20. You’re totally in love with poverty.
You’re not just casually dating poverty. This isn’t casual sex. You’re way beyond any “firsts” protocols. You and poverty now use the bathroom in front of each other and neither of you have any modesty left. Modesty is gone. You’re sharing toothbrushes when you can afford to split the cost of minty toothpaste.
#19. You look forward to having that one meal per day.
Just thinking all kinds of food you can’t afford inspires you to write bible-sized novels and epic poems.
Ode to Chocolate Mousse Cake. Thy velvety ribbons of brown gold, how I love thee…
#18. Never knowing if you’ll get any money for your next royalty check gives you the biggest thrill.
Bread crumbs for breakfast? Dried-out cheese for lunch? Crackers for dinner? All the cool kids are doing it!
#17. Editing is like, the most fun thing evah!
It’s more fun than a root canal, which is also a lot of fun.
#16. Your Mom does all your editing for free.
Along with cute little smiles and nods and “that was interesting, dear” or “I never thought about it that way before.”
Reason #15. Your Mom said it’s the best poem/short story/novel she has ever read and she’s always known you were going to grow up to become an award-winning writer the moment you were born.
Seriously. A photo of the Nobel Prize is on the wall next to your naked baby on a bear rug pics, because they didn’t have Snapchat in those days.
#14. Your Mom is never wrong.
Never, ever, and you have the scars to prove it.
#13. Grandma’s already paying your rent so it’s not like you really need to get a paying job.
The future can wait. Priorities.
#12. Your characters talk to you more than your friends do.
Who needs friends? You have fictional characters you can manipulate every day without feeling any guilt!
#11. Your dreams every night are about your characters and eating food.
Fast food. Take-out. Pizza. Chinese. Whatevs.
#10. Your characters have a more interesting sex-life than you do.
But don’t tell Mom.
#9. Your characters are funnier than you are.
#8. Your characters are better looking than you are.
Hey, why bother competing? Just give in to the insanity.
#7. You know how to write complete sentences… when you feel like it.
#6. The Oxford Comma.
It’s not just grammar to you, it’s a way of life.
#5. Punctuation. Is. Your. Friend.
You have to be careful, though. When making lists, use a colon : before listing one, two, and three. See what I did there?
P.S. Number 5 could also be used in a Top 20 Things to Never Say on a First Date list. Trust me on this one.
#4. Real-life murder is illegal but if you write about a fictional murder, at worse it doesn’t sell, and you won’t go to prison.
#3. Fictional violence.
Again, no prison.
#2. You are a writer, but what you really want to do is telemarketing, because Grandma isn’t paying your rent.
It’s okay. All writers are liars. We won’t say anything to Grandma.
And now for the grand finale, number one reason to become a published writer of fiction!
#1. Because… reasons.
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